I Never........

This is my life. I am the type of person who likes to make statements in the absolute, and I have therefore been forced to eat crow more times then not. It is starting to happen with such frequency that I fear by actually making a statement of something I am not going to "ever" do, I am actually opening the door for that situation to happen. Below is a sampling of things I have said over the year and the eventual outcome.

On Raising Kids:

• I will never bribe my kid with candy. - yep, I did it, more times then I care to admit...don't judge...please.

• I will not use the TV as a babysitter. - pretty much failed on this one...since the twins have arrived, Mrs. B and I are constantly looking for moments to do things like bath, eat, brush your teeth-and so the only way to keep the boy engaged for more then 2 minutes is to throw on Thomas the Train (at least it isn't Barney). I guess the trade-off is worth it...and most of you standing within two feet would agree.

• My boys will never play throwball we are a football(soccer) family. - The boy still doesn't play football, but everytime he does see it on the TV (see above) he yells "Football" and then proceeds to tackle something...usually the dog. Being that we are in Texas, he has also mastered "Hook'em" at a disturbingly young age.

• I will never own a Mini Van - yep...still holding firm on this one

On Life:

• I will never be like you....said to my dad - Epic Fail.....but I couldn't be happier about it. Since I can remember, my dad has been a principal at the elementary level level, and now I am pretty much doing the same job at an elementary school in Round Rock, TX.

• I will never wear Under Armour - not sure why I made this statement, but it may have its roots in the whole throwball bias. In reality, I do actually wear Under Armour now, but only under doctors orders. It was recommended, I begin to wear compression shorts as a way to avoid groin and leg injuries common as you get older.

• I will only wear Adidas soccer shoes as long as I continue to keep playing - This one is still true....I actually am still wearing the same style I wore through college....the good 'ol Copa Mundial.

• I will never live in Texas - I made this proclamation in college in the midst of an on going feud with the "Texans" down the hall. (I will now digress into a college story - In college, as many of you know, I had a tendency to provoke individuals to do things they wouldn't normally do. In this particular instance during my freshmen year, my roommate, Matt, and I lived down the hall from from a True Texan (cowboy hat, cowboy boots, Texas flag hanging in room, etc - these types of things really stick out in Minnesota). Matt and I had a tendency to constantly say things piss off the "Texan". It actually became like a game and we were constantly trying to outdo each other when it came to insulting Texas. We eventually ran out of things to say and went in search of the ultimate exclamation point. Matt and I had become quite proficient at using our long range water balloon launcher to launch pretty much anything (including: water balloons, snowballs, rotten fruit, you get the idea). Up until that point we had launched golf balls over I-94 at the public housing across the highway, we bombarded the front door of a rival male dorm with oranges anytime people came in or out, and we had launched water balloons off the roof of the student union on unsuspecting couples out for a romantic night stroll. Getting back to the story......we decided that using the balloon launcher, we would launch rotten bananas at the door of the Texan from about 2 feet away. For those of you who don't know, a water balloon launcher is designed to hurl a 3 lb water balloon about 100 yards. We had anticipated a particularly nasty explosion of rotten banana, but we had no idea how nasty. The force at which the banana hit the door caused the now liquefied banana to squeeze through the actual door frame and shoot into the room. AWESOME right. As the banana shot into the room, it happened to get all over the Texas Flag hanging from the ceiling, this elicited an instant reaction from the Texan. The Texan shot out of the room, knowing full well who was responsible for this desecration of the flag for the "Republic of Texas" and ran down to our door and began trying to beat the door down and yelling threats....this of course resulted in Matt and I laughing hysterically, which only served to further enrage the Texan. Here are a few quote from the Texan which are still some of my favorites:

  "No-0ne destroys or damages the Texas flag....you are going to pay for this"

  "Get out here and act like a man" (um....NO - he was brandishing a large knife at this point)

  and my personal favorite

  "you can't hide forever, we are going to get you, if you run and hide we will find you, if you go to Nebraska, we have family there, if you hide in Alaska, we have family there" (this of course resulted in us yelling random locations through the door to see if they in fact "had family there" i.e. "How about India, do you have family there?" "what about the North Pole, do you have family there? Is his name Santa?"

  Eventually the RA came out and sent the crazy boys back to there room, and were were able to flee to the friendly confines of the women's dorm.)

As most of you well know....we are now fully established residents of the beautiful state of Texas, and we love living in the beautiful city of Austin. So I guess I am glad I didn't stick to my guns on that one.

I fully expect there are going to be many things I will have to do, that I said I would never, ever do. Maybe I should just stop making these statements, but that just seems whish-washy, and if it is one thing I will never be...it is wishy-washy.